I started this blog with the same hopes and dreams I had while creating my family. I wanted the challenge, I wanted to learn and love and be loved... I wanted to grow and expand and plant my feet somewhere safe. As life changes, so do hopes and dreams. I guess all we can do at times like this is re-group and start again.
We lost our girls on the 27th of May, 2010. They were stillborn, due to undetected placental abruption.
Kira Juliet was born at 12:18am, she weighed 2 lbs 12oz.
Lydia Marie was born at 12:20am, weighing 3lbs 12oz.
My girls were healthy, they were active, and beautiful and something within ME failed... That's been the most difficult part. I feel like I failed them as a Mother. I'm not sure at this point how selfish a thought that is, but I am doing everything in my power to get over it. They'd have grown up, I am sure, to be amazingly cute and bright and incredibly smart like their big sister is. Life would have been hectic, even frantic, but would it ever have been a great experience.
As it stands, we think about Kira and Lydia every day - many times a day. We talk about what we went through, and we've been to their grave site to see them. I would give anything to have them back. It's true. However, I've got another little girl who needs me just as much. She's not quite 2 years old, is absolutely full of personality and she craves attention the way any toddler does. So life goes on - I'm her Mom - the only one she has and I still want to do everything I can to be the best. Now that I'm physically healing, I can focus on making my daughter happy. We do crafts together, read many, many books together, go outside and play together... This is what has been healing me emotionally. I thank God every day for my little girl, because without her I don't know what I'd do.
And so as life goes on, so does my writing. I cannot bring myself to read what I first wrote here. That will take time. I can, however, still establish myself here as I had planned and give it my best shot. Things might be very different, but in a lot of ways they are much the same. I was born to be a Mom - I have lived for it, and will continue to live for it always.
Best,
Kristin.
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Oh, Kristin. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by my blog today. I'll be honest and tell you that I intended to just quickly come by here and follow you back, but now I find that I've been back through your archives and there's no way to not cry over this post.
I hope that each day has gotten a tiny bit easier for you and that you are able to continue to move forward, both for your daughter and yourself. I'll be thinking of you!
Hi Kristin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting on my blog. In looking through yours, I saw this sad news and could relate. We lost our first daughter who was stillborn 10 days after her due date, due to toxemia. Following the birth of our second daughter by emergency Csec, we had two miscarriages before our son was born 6 weeks prematurely due to placenta abruptio. We also had another daughter. I hope that you will be successful in your future pregnancies. We never know why life unfolds the way it does but we are thankful for our three now grown children. Had other pregnancies worked out, we wouldn't have known these children. Best of luck to you!
On another note, I resisted driving for 9 years after I got my license at age 16 but thank goodness, I forced myself to start driving a little bit at a time. I would have been totally lost without a car as the years progressed. Do yourself a favor and try to become comfortable with driving - your life will be so much easier to navigate...